one of those days

Today was one of those days.  Not like anything I've had before this tragedy but something I've become sadly accustomed to the past 5 months.  Life moves slowly, painfully so, and we yearn so much for what we used to have.  It doesn't mean we will never get it back, in fact we have faith we will, but in silent moments of reflection the pain is difficult to measure.

Jo is rock solid.  The past few weeks have been by far his best since being discharged.  He is so obviously aware of his surroundings and is so engaging it takes our breath away.  If you walk in the room he turns, looks in your eyes, and shows his amazing strength on resolve.  He is so engaged it makes it hard to leave the room at times, thankfully we have been  blessed with amazing nurses who clearly care for Jo deeply.  Leaving him in their care is extremely comforting and necessary to keep the rest of our life going.

If you've browsed around the site you've probably noticed something about Jo.  If you knew him personally pictures don't really do it justice...THAT SMILE.  I've heard people talk about smiles that light up a room, with Jo the light was blinding.  His smile so genuine and innocent it felt like he was touching your heart.  I'm happy to report, that smile remains, his connection even stronger than before.  Jo is in there, fighting his way back, his smile easing our pain and giving us the strength to remain patient.  Lately he smiles often, and it has become easier to get that smile out of him.  At those moments, for however brief, he is peaceful, happy, and so close to us.  I cannot describe in words the way his smile makes me feel, nor the numerous times he brought me back from the depths of desperation with that smile.  It's like he knows when I need it most, when I am down, when I am dwelling on the past, feeling like it isn't fair, impatient, desperate for progress, and blind to how far we have come.  He shows me that dimple and darkness I so often fight disappears, it is just he and I sharing a moment of pure love, I cannot hold back my tears, every time.

One thing hasn't changed, Jo loves to laugh at dad.  I'd do anything to make him smile, fortunately I don't have to do much to make him smile.  Yesterday I told him, "Jo I am learned Dr. and I am here to take care of you.  I will make sure your mom doesn't do anything wrong".  He smiled ear to ear, it was amazing.  There is nothing I miss more than laughing with my boy.  If you thought his smile was intoxicating you should hear him laugh, please God please let me hear that again soon.  

I'm sure many of you can relate to those feelings that crop up with "facebook memories" or likewise on Google pictures.  For some reason I can't hesitate to click "view more".  I really should have learned by now that in my sometimes fragile state this is not a good idea.  Unlike my super hero wife I still can't look at pictures of Jo without issues.  Videos are even worse, hearing his voice makes me crumble.  Today I clicked on google pictures and stumbled upon a video that brought me to my knees.  It was Jo scoring a touchdown in his flag football league.  He was a stud player and nothing brought me more joy as his dad than watching him play.  He played like he lives, free and fast, graceful and powerful, and with an emphatic joy that was contagious.  I broke down for an hour after that, it was one of those days.  It just hurt so bad.  Please God please, I need to see that again someday, however far away, please give us that joy again.

Jojobinks you and your mom are my heroes.  I have never seen such strength, and never felt so much love.  We are so excited by your progress and so anxious for more.  Please keep lending your strength to be patient, we will never give up hope, and we have faith we will get you back as you were.  It is God's will, and you will be a testimony to his love.  We love you to the moon and back sweet angel, YOU'VE GOT THIS.

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